During the first weeks of my incarceration, I was attacked and raped in the shower by two other inmates while a third stood look-out. As a result, I’ve learned to live with the unending emotional stress, nightmares, grief, anger, shame, fear, and embarrassment. All of these emotions come at me in an endless stream that I feel I will sometimes drown in. I believe the one emotion I feel more than all others is despair. It’s been barely six years since this happened to me, but it feels like yesterday. I awaken some nights after being asleep only 20 minutes with the feeling of being raped and torn open all over again.
I can still taste and smell the soap from the washcloth that had been crammed in my mouth to silence my screams. I told them I would buy them anything they wanted from the commissary if they would just stop, but they ignored me. I am a slave to my hatred of these two people, and to the powers that be in here, for allowing this to happen to me and to others that have had to endure this pain.
I struggle so hard to make sense of something that makes no sense. I’ve tried to confront my demons by earning vocational certificates and taking several college courses while in here, but often I get so consumed with negative thoughts, I lose concentration and focus. I get so angry at myself for not being able to function properly. Other times, I’m afraid of sending out the wrong signals to other inmates and fearful that the cruel events of that day may happen all over again.
Because of the rape, I contracted HIV, which I am currently taking medicine for. Sometimes I wish it would just hurry up and kill me so I will be free of the mental anguish! I know this sounds selfish because I have two beautiful children, not to mention other family and friends who would miss me terribly. But the stress, anxiety, and preoccupation with thoughts of the events have left an indelible stain on my mind that can never be erased. All I can hope to accomplish is to keep on persevering and pray times will get a little easier.
I don’t know how it will be possible for anyone who has had to endure similar agonies to gain any strength from my sufferings, but if my story helps anyone at all in their pain, then it will make it a little worthwhile.