My name is Zera. I am a transgender woman housed in a predominantly male institution. The facility administrators disregarded my PREA designation as someone who is likely to be targeted, and they housed me with violent sexual predators. In two of these housing situations, I was violently raped and emotionally abused. My abusers used flattery at first, and when that did not work, they would treat me like I was not human and did not have a choice. This abuse broke my spirit and I continued to be bullied, assaulted, and extorted. Since the facility administrators were at fault, they did not try to investigate. In one case, they left the abuser in general population, so I had to frequently have contact with him. One day while I was in the medication line waiting to receive my hormones, I was called homophobic slurs and beaten unconscious. One Black incarcerated person saw the assault and saw that the correctional staff was not responding, and he attempted to stop it, which led to him fighting two inmates. He stopped me from being beaten severely. I am grateful to him for risking his own safety to save me.
After this I was housed in protective custody. This abuse is not limited to the brief experience I just shared. I have been affected by this abuse by recurring nightmares, where these abusers are repeating the abuse. I sometimes dream I commit suicide because of this pain. After I was celled with the first man who violently raped me, the pain was too much of a burden to carry and I ran a razor blade up my wrist requiring an emergency transfer to an outside medical center, which resulted in internal and external stitches. Being housed at a predominantly male facility requires me to frequently have to submit to unclothed body searches by male correctional staff. Because I am afraid of men, these unclothed body searches reactivate the trauma from the sexual abuse I endured. The administration won’t listen to my pleas for them to stop making me relive this abuse. If I refuse, I am housed in two feet by two feet enclosure only large enough to stand, until I submit. Recently they held me in one of these enclosures until I urinated on myself. This is only a glimpse of what it’s like to be a survivor of sexual abuse while incarcerated. You are called an attention seeker and a liar when you request help.
I have learned that if you submit to your abuser and stop fighting it does not physically hurt as bad, but mentally it destroys you. When I stopped fighting my abusers, I stopped wanting to live. I did not want to live in my own skin. My experience has taught me that even if you are not physically strong or know self-defense, never give up. When you are called a liar and told your identity invited abuse, don’t listen. File a grievance and contact advocacy groups. Don’t give up because at some point the real world will hear your cries for help. Because as JDI says, “rape is not part of the penalty.”